Dear Professor Monger,

My name is R****** J B*****m, a dedicated novice student in the art of mongering, to formally request progression from my current status as a Stage One Novice Monger to Stage Two White Belt. Much like Daniel-san in The Karate Kid, I envision documenting my journey through the ranks, from white belt all the way to black belt mastery. I believe I have now met the necessary criteria to advance, and I would like to outline my experiences for your consideration.

For many years, I have lingered at Stage One, primarily due to my marriage to a frigid woman who would simply lie back and think of Leyland—the place where she grew up. My mongering experiences during that time were sporadic and influenced by external factors: once as a result of peer pressure on a trip to Amsterdam, and another time as a dare from a wingman while working away in Hull. These were enjoyable but isolated incidents that did not allow for deeper progression.

However, I have recently discovered Pattaya, which has transformed my path. I have enthusiastically ticked all the boxes required for White Belt status, as follows:

• I am on my 3rd trip:
• I have already experienced a threesome with two ladies (though I cannot possibly look at another man’s cum face live).
• I am still mostly using condoms for safety, although the Marmite flavoured ones get a strong reaction and an unfinished job.
• I have mongered in at least one country that isn’t my home country (Thailand, in this case).
• I am already planning significant life changes to accommodate and prioritize this new hobby. I am never going out in the UK ever again and have banned fat girls from my underpants
• I have been trying many types of establishments and websites: I have explored a variety to broaden my skills. Yes I have indeed woken up with a ring like 50 pence piece.

There is one criterion I have not yet fulfilled: I have not had the chance to turn down an offer from a friend to pay for my sex. I respectfully ask if it is possible to substitute this rule with another task of equivalent value? Is it as simple as swapping tinned tomatoes for baked beans on an all day breakfast, or would you suggest a specific alternative to demonstrate my commitment?

I am eager to continue my training under your guidance and look forward to your approval for advancement to White Belt. Please let me know if any further documentation or challenges are required.

Faithfully

R*******

Professor Mongers Reply

You need to discover the art of bareback, using condoms is like riding a motorbike with a helmet on,  it’s feels around 10% as good as it should.  If you want to redeem yourself in the art of being a john,  do more johnning and increase the amount of ladies you are playing with.  The answer to anything in becoming a black belt, is taking it more seriously, plan more, treat it like a hobby and wrap your life around it.  The more ladies you play with, the faster you will become a black belt.

Do not worry about the small things,  get more tools, plan more trips and get more monger friends for inspiration.